They Buses

Now dinnae get me wrong. Ah love buses an' aw that; just being able tae hop oan, sit doon and relax while someone else does aw the work is fantastic. It means ah can get mare than wan hing done, ah can get tae that meeting ah'm going tae and ah can write ma blog at the same time. Plus ah'm keeping aw those green, save the planet, folk happy. Pure brill.

What ah cannae stand though is that wifey who sits in the right centre o' the bus, wi' all her weans, glued tae the screen eh her phone whilst they bleed ma brain oot wi' aw that greeting.


"Can ah have a sweetie mammy?"

"Naw."

"Pleeease?"

"Naw."

"But Jimmy got wan."

"Be quiet you."

This is where I just wannae gi' him any sort a sweetie he wants. 'Cause ah know that he's gonnae scream and scream until he gets. An aw his wee brothers and sisters are gonnae join in an' they're gonnae scream tae. And there's poor me sitting right at the back a the bus trying tae get as far away as ah can just tae save ma ears.

If its no that then its some bloke oot his heid on drink an ah'm running aroon' the place trying not tae get thrown up on.

A man needs dignity. Ah'm no wanting tae sit oan a bus fae this; all I want is tae peacefully get frae A to B, ken?

You dinnae even need tae be physically oan the bus for it tae cause you pure misery. See last night? I was walking back frae work doon Cathedral Street and wan a they buses, charging roon' as always, goes right doon the middle eh a pothole, full to the brim wi' grubby water. Well after that it wasnae full  mind, 'cause ah was soaked tae the bone.

So I go running like, tae gi' the driver a piece a ma mind:


"Oi wee man, be mare careful, ah'm soaked cause eh you."


And what do I get back? Nothing. Nae even a - "Sorry pal" - or a - "Didnae see you there" - he just shut the doors in ma face. Ah wis raging.

At least this didn't happen but:

Dundee bus firm's probe into door claims

Next time aw yous are getting oan a bus, mind an' be proper stealthy about it.

Mindyereidaneckpal,

Big Weedge.